Flying Free (Rough Love Book 8) Read online

  “If she were a man, would you feel the same way?”

  “No,” Ben says honestly. “But if she were a man, it wouldn’t have the weight of thousands of years of misogyny behind it, now would it?”

  “It’s her choice,” Xander says again.

  The puppy players were mostly normal, although Zack insisted on sitting on the ground with his head on Drew’s thigh for much of the afternoon and evening. He did sit up at the table to eat, at least. Ben was thankful for that. He wasn’t sure how he’d react to a guy eating out of a dog bowl or something.

  But apart from those quirks, the group seemed normal. There was plenty of intelligent discussion about art and literature, and music, and complaints about traffic in LA, and everyone steered clear of politics and also film, since Ben and Nik work for rival studios. Ben ended up in a spirited debate about the effects of social media on the human psyche—he has strong opinions about it—but even that was pleasantly conducted and ending in Ben and Tabitha agreeing to disagree.

  “Why those people?” Ben asks now, as Xander drives on. “I mean, why did the Doctor pick these particular people for me to meet today? I thought your background was more, uh…gay.”

  Xander nods slowly. “I mean, I did my time in the gay leather clubs, sure. But…”

  “But?”

  Xander sounds rueful when he says, “I didn’t always play well with others when I was younger. I was asked not to come back to a few places.”

  Ben swivels in his seat. “You got banned?”

  “I did. Yeah.”

  Xander goes quiet after that, and Ben does too as he tries to fit this new information into his picture of Xander.

  Then Xander says: “The people tonight are people who I have some history with, so I think that’s why Zee chose them. She wanted to remind me of the good people. She mentored me early on, you know.”

  “She trained you.” That’s what the Doctor herself told Ben once.

  Xander chuckles. “Yes. She trained me. Helped me understand the physiological and psychological aspects. Helped me get my head out of my ass, too, thank God. Several times.”

  “And the others?”

  “Drew I met early on, at the leather clubs. But he’s always been more into the puppy play stuff. It’s a very different kink to mine. To ours,” he amends, which warms Ben’s heart. Xander is making a genuine effort to acknowledge that Ben is just as kinky as he is—even if they land in different places on that spectrum. “But Drew suggested I try this other kink night, where there were all sorts of different people, and that’s where I ended up meeting Zee. And I made friends with Jeff and Tabby one night when…well, Tabby got in a bit over her head with something when he wasn’t around. I, well. I stepped in.”

  “How chivalrous,” Ben says, but Xander just gives a brief smile. Obviously something pretty intense went down. He can’t imagine Tabitha being backward about coming forward, despite the kajira thing, but the times Xander is talking about are years back. “How old were you?”

  “I started pretty young. I was eighteen when I first went to events, munches, that kind of thing. In fact, it was literally the day after I turned eighteen that I threw myself into things. I was a freshman in college, I was on my own for the first time…it was a wild time in my life.”

  “You knew where to go? You knew what was out there?”

  “I knew about me,” Xander says. “I knew there was something about me from a young age, and so I kept my eyes and ears open. When I hit official adulthood, I knew exactly where to go. I only wish I’d had someone to help me out with the emotional side of things at that time. Maybe I wouldn’t have left a fucking salted earth behind me.”

  There’s bitterness in his voice now, and Ben puts a hand on his thigh. “We all do dumb shit when we’re young.”

  “True; but my dumb shit could have killed someone.”

  “But it didn’t.”

  There’s a pause, and then Xander says, “No. It didn’t. There was one time I came very fucking close, though.”

  “With the choking?” Ben asks, immediately curious.

  “Yeah. That was after I moved here to LA; I was hanging out with Zee by then. You know, I played so often back then, I can’t even remember half the things I did. But that night, how close I came to doing something irreversible—I’ll never forget it. If it hadn’t been for Zee…” Xander trails off.

  “What’s her name?” Ben asks, not for the first time.

  Xander just grins and shakes his head. “I told you, Benjamin. You have to work for that kind of knowledge.”

  Ben huffs, but he’s only kidding. After all, if he really wanted to know, he could look up her medical registration. But it’s interesting, the traditions these people have; the traditions that Xander has been part of—and now Ben, too, is part of that lineage.

  There was only one other not-so-normal thing Ben noticed.

  “They all had collars,” he says now, as Xander slows at a stop sign. Xander glances across at him. “Drew had his dog collar. Tabitha had that steel one with a padlock. And even Nik had one on.” Nik’s was probably the most discreet, a thin, expensive-looking golden band across his throat that could conceivably have come from the latest men’s fashion collections.

  Only it hadn’t.

  “They did,” Xander says, neutrally, and moves the car forward. “They’re pretty common in the community.”

  “Mm,” Ben says, and he sits with his own thoughts for the rest of the drive home. It’s only as they get back to Xander’s place that he remembers what happened before they went to the barbecue. “Excuse you,” he says, pushing down Xander’s hand as he goes to unlock the front door. He pulls out his own key to Xander’s house, the one Xander gave him earlier in the day, and slides it into the lock, turns it, and pushes the door open. “After you,” he says with a grin.

  Xander pauses to give Ben a big, heartfelt kiss.

  At that moment, a light flashes from across the street, and the two of them look up startled, to see a man with a camera. He takes another photo of them blinking at him.

  “Thanks, Jasper!” he calls cheekily, and gives a wave.

  Xander pushes Ben into the house and slams the door shut.

  “Was that a fucking—” Ben begins.

  “Yes, baby,” Xander sighs. “Please don’t get upset about it.”

  “But that fucker—”

  “It happens. Please. Let it go. We had such a great day; I don’t want to ruin it by giving those vampires any energy.”

  He’s right, but it’s still gonna take a lot of effort for Ben to calm down from a paparazzo ambush. Xander gives him another kiss, gentle and in passing this time, and goes to greet Noah, who is yelping from the other side of the lounge room door.

  Ben stays in the hallway for a few minutes, trying not to brood, trying to get his temper under control. “Can’t they just leave us alone?” he says at last, coming into the lounge. Admittedly, being greeted by a flying ball of fur as he slumps on the sofa does wonders for his mood, and he begins to put aside the one nasty thing that’s happened today, and think about the good stuff instead. He gives Noah a full-body fur-ruffle, making the dog yip with excitement.

  “They will, eventually,” Xander says. “Hey! Noah! Off the sofa!”

  “Can’t he stay up for just a second?” Ben pleads, and he and Noah both look at Xander, who flings his hands up in the air.

  “Fine. I can hardly resist one of you looking at me with puppy dog eyes, let alone two. You want a drink?” he calls, going through to the kitchen.

  “Nah, I’m good,” Ben says, and means it.

  Fuck the paps. He had a great day.

  Chapter Two

  Soon enough Ben will start his second unit direction for the superhero movie, which his agent Ramona Jones negotiated for him along with the script rewrite. Ben takes some time out each morning to thank his lucky stars for Ramona, despite how much he complains about her, because without her, he wouldn’t have the freedom he h
as right now. Ben’s job has a lot of lulls in between frantic bursts of activity, but it means he gets to do a lot of things he enjoys in his downtime, like reading, or fantasizing about Xander, or catching up with a new group Xander’s friend Jonathan Ashe has introduced him to: all gay, all subs.

  Xander has taken to calling it Gay Subs Club, which he thinks is hilarious, and Ben finds exasperating.

  Ben only met Jon recently, since he and Xander have dabbled with a few leather nights at a club downtown. But Ben really likes Jon, even though he suspects there’s been some play activities between Jon and Xander in the distant past.

  Xander did ask in a roundabout way if Ben wanted to know their full history once, but Ben absolutely refused. It’s fine, because Jon is very clearly not interested in Xander anymore as anything other than a friend.

  For that reason, Ben likes him a lot better than some of Xander’s other acquaintances from the leather clubs, because they always seem to expect Xander to be available to play. Xander, Ben assures them repeatedly, is not available to play. Not available to them, anyway. So many people in the leather scene seem to be poly, or in open relationships, or ménage situations, and find it charmingly antiquated that Xander and Ben are monogamous.

  Then there’s the occasional guy who seems to have made it his life’s mission to tempt the famous, the gorgeous, the insanely-sexy ‘Dom X’ away from Ben. Xander has never even looked twice at any of them, and in fact made a cordial but clear suggestion to one particular guy that he’d get blackballed from a kink night if he didn’t quit, so Ben has managed to keep any jealous tendencies in check. He’s also in awe of how much sway Xander seems to have in the community—especially considering how long he’s been away from it.

  If anything, it only makes Xander even hotter to Ben to see how worshipped he still is in the scene, even though he’s had a checkered history with it.

  Xander has offered more than once to tell Ben all about it, but Ben hasn’t wanted to hear it before now. He figures that the past is the past, and it’s not like Ben is going to give a detailed history of the women he’s slept with and dated. If Xander and Jon had a thing once, why should that matter to Ben now?

  Still, Ben wasn’t entirely sure about hanging out with Jon at first. He hasn’t had a great history with Xander’s gay friends in the past, for example. Ben understood, kind of; he was suspect because he was bi, and at the time, Xander was his first boyfriend. Besides that, Xander seems to provoke something primal in others: something that makes all the boys want him. Or so it seems to Ben, anyway, and okay, maybe he’s projecting that from his own strangely possessive feelings for Xander.

  But Jon assures him that these guys that he’s going to meet tonight are different.

  And so they are, in their way. Oliver and Brandon are gym-toned but slim, with cutting-edge hairstyles and effortlessly cool clothes. Landry, who seems like the odd one out, has a lot of shaggy hair falling into his face and thick-rimmed nerd-chic glasses. But they’re all a lot of fun, although very curious about the famous Xander Romano—famous in more ways than one to them.

  “Is it true he likes to bite?”

  “I heard he’s really hardcore.”

  “I heard—”

  “Guys,” says Landry. “Back off a second. Give the poor guy time to at least think of a nice way to tell you to mind your own biz.”

  Ben feels incredibly grateful, and gives Landry a private smile of thanks once Jon has started telling them all the intimate details of his last cock-worship session with his Daddy. Ben listens, but is once again thankful that he has someone like Xander, rather than Jon’s Daddy.

  Jon’s Daddy sounds like someone who needs his ego propped up a lot, at least as far as Jon tells it.

  But then, Jon is prone to a lot of hyperbole.

  Although they back off on the interrogation, Oliver and Brandon still sneak in a few questions about Xander’s activities. Some of their queries are about rumors they’ve heard, and at first Ben is happy to be able to say he just doesn’t know, or even deny them: Has Xander really branded his initials on Ben’s butt? Not exactly, he tells them coyly.

  But then he kind of wishes he does know about some of the earlier things. Did Xander really have a fully-functioning torture chamber in a spare bedroom? Did Xander really once make a sub come just by whispering in his ear?

  It all provokes a strange feeling of partial pride in but jealousy of his boyfriend. It’s not nice to hear about Xander’s previous relationships, for example. Ben has no idea why everyone—including Xander’s other friends, like Dean and Elijah—are so freaking invested in telling Ben about all those past break-ups. Or, as Xander has put it more than once, past mistakes.

  “I heard he collared someone once,” Brandon says, eyes wide. “But only once.”

  “And then he totally dumped them,” Oliver whispers.

  “That’s when he got kicked out of the Thorn Club,” Jon says knowledgeably.

  “The Thorn Club?” Ben can’t help asking.

  “Oh, this group that was around at the time, they held a kink night once a month. Only that died pretty soon after Xander got blackballed. I think Xander was the main drawcard for that particular night. He was a really big deal back in the day, you know?”

  “He still is,” Landry points out.

  “And you’re definitely not looking for a third?” Brandon asks Ben wistfully.

  “No,” Ben says firmly. “Definitely not.”

  “Greedy,” Oliver sighs. “But then, I guess he must really be into you. You moved in together, right?”

  “I told you that ages ago,” Jon says, as though he’s the one to thank for it.

  Ben, sipping his drink, nods. He’s starting to wonder when Xander will stop being the subject of conversation.

  “Did he collar you yet?” Brandon asks.

  Ben manages not to choke on his beer. Landry looks shocked on Ben’s behalf. “Hey,” he starts sharply, but Ben waves a hand, brushing it off.

  “No,” Ben says, once he’s taken a heroic swallow. “We’re not really into that.”

  “Aren’t we?” Jon asks, arching one perfectly-waxed eyebrow.

  “Do you have a collar?” Ben asks. It was only supposed to be a subject-changer, only the way it comes out, it sounds bitchy, and the three other guys all go Oooooh! “Uh, I didn’t mean—”

  But Jon is laughing it off. “Benny-boy, I deserved that. Okay. Who’s in for the next round? This conversation definitely needs more mojitos.”

  Xander drops by to pick Ben up later, and by that stage Ben has discovered he really likes mojitos. He jumps up with a cheer when Xander comes in, and so do the other guys.

  “Oh my God, it’s Dom X!” Jon shrieks.

  “Spank me, Daddy!” Oliver hollers.

  Xander, looking perplexed, watches as Brandon throws himself on the floor and crawls towards him.

  They’re in what Ben has been thinking of as a ‘normal’ bar tonight, but he’s tipsy enough not to care about the stares of the other patrons. “You’re a legend, Alexander,” he slurs into Xander’s ear, tripping over Brandon and into Xander’s arms. Brandon is now pretending to lick Xander’s boots.

  At least, Ben hopes he’s pretending.

  “That’s Landry,” Ben says loudly, waving at Landry, who raises his glass to Xander with a shy smile and hot red cheeks. “That’s Brandon fellating your shoes. That’s Ollie—” He gestures. Oliver is currently twerking in Xander’s direction. “And of course you know—”

  “Jon,” Xander says, with a smile and nod. “Yes. Jon and I go way back.”

  “Please, sir, call me Jonathan,” Jon coos. “It makes me melt the way you do that.”

  Even through Ben’s boozy good humor, he can see that Xander is feeling uncomfortable. They are in what passes for a normcore bar in LA, after all. And also, watching a bunch of hot guys throwing themselves at Xander is not really Ben’s idea of a good time, either—no matter where they are, or how much they’re just kidding a
round.

  He slides his arm into Xander’s and says, “I guess we’d better go,” to the group.

  “Nooooo, stay for one drink!” Brandon pleads from the floor, and then bounces up. “I need to know what’s happening this Sunday on The Hunter. I have a bet going with Ollie that Jasper escapes jail by the end of the season. Does he?”

  Jasper Crane is Xander’s villain-turned-consultant character on The Hunter, and he’s made Xander very famous, for better or worse.

  “Oh, please stay!” Oliver begs. “Just for one drink?”

  Xander looks at Ben, raising an eyebrow.

  “One drink,” Ben concedes. Landry has already sped off to the bar, and he comes back with another round of mojitos and a bottle of sparkling water.

  “Oh, everyone knows Dom X doesn’t drink and play,” Jon says with a wink at Xander, when Ben thanks Landry for being thoughtful.

  Xander just laughs and shakes his head. “I’m not here to play,” he says. “So like they say, I’ll have what he’s having.” He pulls Ben close to rub his nose into Ben’s hair, and Ben offers his own mojito to Xander. He keeps the sparkling water for himself; he should probably sober up. All the booze and all the boys seem to be calling up that latent jealous streak in him, although Ben knows for sure that Xander wouldn’t even dream of playing with anyone else at this table.

  Anyone else in this world.

  Not anymore.

  “So, X, spill,” Brandon demands. “Jasper Crane: does he escape? And if he does, who’s he gonna eviscerate first?”

  Xander mimes zipping his lips. “I like my job too much to break the NDA,” he says. “Sorry.”

  “Are they gonna bump you back up to series regular, X?” Oliver asks. “They totally should. You totally make the show. They’re totally ruining it by not having you in every episode.”

  “Totally, X,” Ben murmurs, so only Xander can hear, although Jon’s smirk suggests he overheard as well.

  “It must be difficult going across to New York all the time,” Landry comments. He’s still bashful, but he’s giving Xander a pink-cheeked smile. Ben can hardly blame him for being shy. Not only is Xander famous in the community, he’s famous-famous. If Ben wasn’t with him, he’d probably be trying to lick Xander’s boots just like Brandon did.